Post-College Realization; My Final Post

It has been a few months since I have posted anything on this blog. The pressure and stress of a extra full-time job, wedding planning, and general life obligations took hold of my free time and unfortunately, resulted in less and less cooking, exercise, and blogging. Now, all of that is behind me (which is good) and I am excited about moving forward.

Married life is great. There is a feeling of contentment I have never had before. A few days ago, I actually recognized true happiness from myself; it was both frightening and comforting at the same time. I am happy to say that it has been this way for over a month and I hope I can carry this feeling with me for a while. Been a long time since I have felt something sustainable. I thought about writing a post about “10 things to consider while planning your wedding”, but after the wedding, I realized there was only one piece of advice. ‘Just do what is right for the two of you’. Ultimately, you need to be happy, whatever that may be. Everyone is going to give you unsolicited advice, just ignore their judgments and do what feels right.

I went back to work after being gone for 4 working days after my wedding. The office hadn’t blown up, so I figured everything went smoothly – I was wrong. After working another 45+ hour work week, a zen-like realization came over me. Outside of workplace politics  (i.e. I don’t receive adequate pay for my time/talents), I realized that no matter if I work an eight hour day or a twelve hour day, the work is always there, piling up. I have never been able to get ahead of it because it is always coming. Therefore, why expel what energy I have left, stressing about what still needs to get done? I can look at my to-do list and say “this is what I can get done today, and tomorrow, I will come back to do more”. That’s that. It feels like a weight had been lifted, and while I still approach things with urgency, I no longer feel like my own personal suffering is attached to them. Can’t say this has been widely adopted in our office, but that’s not the point. The point is that my worth in this job is not tied to the countless hours of overtime I work, the personal sacrifices I make, or my health.

Which brings me to my last statement. I actually realized this before my wedding, but never found the time to actually close in on it. I’m not sure how many people know this, but this blog was created to help me rekindle a person I had lost. She was creative, talented, successful, and she gave it all up to pursue a college education, that at the time, took precedence over everything else. Once graduated, trying to revive what was lost became very hard, almost impossible. I spent many nights thinking she didn’t exist anymore, that I had nothing to give to the world without these parts of me, and I tried feverishly for three years to get them back. But of course, it didn’t turn out. All this time, I thought it was because I lost the talent for writing, performing, creating art, etc. OR maybe the talent never really existed in the first place. I felt extreme envy for this woman that once existed and felt that who I was, in my current situation, was no-one. I couldn’t get her back, I’d have to start all over, and I didn’t know where to even start.

Until I realized, it is ok that this part of me doesn’t exist anymore, because it is not relevant anymore. I was suffering from some serious mental instability which found an outlet in creating art, poetry/prose, and so on. I am no longer in that place and haven’t been for many years, so I cannot expect myself to rekindle something of me that is in my past. I have to live in my current life, something I have been unable to do for many years. It was scary at first, but really enlightening.

It came with some other realizations; like the desire to still pursue cooking, performing, and dance, but now inclusive of my interest and passion in personal wellness. Meditation and yoga has been amazing to me. In addition, it allowed me to admit things to myself that I have put off. Some of them are petty like “I like wearing black clothes. I prefer them over all other colors and am sick of feeling this pressure to wear colors when I don’t like them” or “I like the look of muscular women and I want to not only be strong, but look strong -don’t give two shits if guys think that’s unattractive”. Some other items, larger and more personal, like what really makes me happy and where I see myself in 5 years (which, admitting that I don’t know is half the fun).

To wrap this up, since I have found what I had been searching for, the needs for this particular blog is no more. It is a feeling of great achievement and contentment, again. I’ll start a new blog at some point, probably about cooking 🙂 or WHO KNOWS? but it is an incredible feeling that I am not searching for who I was, but building and creating who I am. Cheers.

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2 responses

  1. I have always considered you an amazing woman, Allysha, and this certainly confirms it! I’m glad you’ve realized you have to live NOW and enjoy your current life, and that who you were in the past doesn’t necessarily have to be who you are in the present. I’m happy for you 🙂

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